I've begun many posts in my mind, just can't seem to find the time or length of time needed to sit down and write. I've longed to write, but obviously haven't been compelled enough to do it. So here I sit, ready to tackle the last 3 months and sum it up in a nutshell. That just seems to overwhelming, yet at the same time vitally important if I want to remember an ounce of what the Lord has brought me through the last few months. So I will begin and we will just see where it ends.
Talk about having your world flipped upside down. I didn't experience a major tragedy, one that would completely shatter me or my family. I did however experience a major change in my life and like most people, change that involves pain isn't always freely welcomed. I believe the last post I had written was concerning how much I was at the end of myself. I look back on that period 4 months ago and I remember how humbled, and surrendered I felt. I believe in those days of desperation I was growing, maturing, and being held close by my Father. It's an amazing feeling to put down all the burdens you've carried around and proclaim that you can't do it anymore. Letting the balls that you are juggling fall to the ground. Then the Master chooses to put those balls in the places He wants them. Hmmmm....not always easy, but feeling confident that He is placing them right where He wants them.
So, this change, what was it, how did it occur? Well, I received a phone call at the end of June to come in for an interview at Atlantic Shores. Now, I had laid Atlantic Shores down. I had surrendered the security I felt I was holding onto from that place. It has always been a huge part of my life and had become a place in which I placed a lot of my security. I had surrendered it to the Lord and was ready to move my oldest daughter to public school. Then, the phone call. I told them I didn't know if I wanted to interview, because I didn't know. I convinced myself to do it so then at least I would know for sure that I wasn't supposed to be there. Can you just hear God chuckle sometimes? I can picture Him just sitting back with a notebook of all those things we said we'd never do and He's just checking them off the list as He moves us into them.
I interviewed, I presented my hubby with all the reasons I couldn't take a job and he presented me with all the reasons I could and should. The pro column far outweighed the con column and in the end, there was peace. I've tried to tell myself there wasn't peace, I misread it, made a wrong choice; but there was peace. So I dwelt in the peace for 2 months and tried not to think too much about how my world was going to change. Everything fell into place with the kids and childcare and the Lord continued to show me He was in control. Then, August. Oh, August, why did you come so fast? I'm not ready for this, I'm not capable, this is a huge mistake, but it's too late, no turning back.
I cried every day my first 2 weeks of school. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because my 2 year old would grab my leg and tell me not to go to work. I cried because I missed spending the day with my birthday girl. Ouch...change hurts. I discovered that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to that season of my life. It wasn't that this new season was so bad, it's that it hurt so much to walk out of the former season.
We are now 9 weeks into the school year. I don't cry everyday. I have my moments of sadness, of missing something from that former season. I have those mornings where all I want to do is snuggle on the couch with my youngest or pick up my kindergardener from school and go to Chuck E Cheese. The moments of joy are returning. I took an hour this past weekend to write down the positive things that have come from this seasonal change. They are numerous and perhaps one day will outweigh the sadness and the pain it took to step into this season. I can't see the bigger picture yet. I know there is a bigger picture though. I know this is part of a beautiful tapestry He is weaving. How do I know that? Because every time before He has taken me through something difficult, He has made it into something beautiful in my life. A stone of remembrance from a place where He met me, He held me, He walked with me. He never lets go. Sometimes I think He holds us by the fingertips as if we were learning to walk just so we can see that we are capable. "Pardon for sin, a peace that endureth, Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide; strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine with 10,000 beside."
