This thought has been running through my head this past week as I've had multiple moments that I sincerely was not the mom I thought I'd be. Growing up I declared that I was going to drive a station wagon and have 6 children so every seat would be filled. I was one of those little girls that always played house. I had baby dolls galore, baby diapers, bottles, feeding chairs, strollers. You name it, if a mommy needed it, I needed it for my baby dolls. From as young as I can remember, I couldn't wait to be a mommy. I thought it must be the best thing in the world.
Fast forward to the present, I am a mommy. I do not have 6 children, and I can't imagine having 6 children. I do not drive a station wagon, although a mini-van is a close second. I do not have baby diapers, bottles or feeding chairs anymore. Just the occasional stroller for those long days at the amusement parks. My baby is about to turn 5 and that breaks my heart a little.
So why do I say, "I'm not the mom I thought I'd be?" Because, I look nothing like the little girl that used to play house with her little baby dolls. These sweet little girls that I call my own actually talk, and they talk a lot. They don't sit quietly like my baby dolls used to. They don't compliantly go along with my plans for the day like my baby dolls did. They have free will and they aren't afraid to use it. And that drives me a little insane some days.
I'm not the mom I thought I'd be because I don't have the children I thought I'd have. And the children I thought I'd have, don't really exist. It isn't that someone else got my compliant, well-behaved, always obedient children and I got their arguing, non-listening, question-asking children. I have the exact 3 children the Lord knew I needed, but motherhood is not how I imagined it would be. Like any little girl or boy who dreams they will grow up to be a superhero, doctor, veterinarian or astronaut, reality hits hard those first few months of college. Motherhood is the same way, Reality hits hard the first few days, even of pregnancy.
I didn't have easy pregnancies. My first was probably my most normal pregnancy, but I had a very difficult time allowing myself to gain weight. I was very conscious of how much weight I was gaining and how I compared to others that were pregnant around me. My second pregnancy followed 2 miscarriages which to this day bring tears to my eyes when I recall the pain I experienced from losing those pregnancies. So my second pregnancy was full of fear that something would go wrong and I would lose this baby. My third pregnancy was hard because our sweet, little stubborn girl wanted to hang out breech most of the 3rd trimester. So I dealt with fear that I would not be able to have a normal delivery with her.
When you are 7 years old and dream of having babies one day, you pretend you are pregnant by stuffing a blanket in your shirt. Nobody ever pretends to have a miscarriage or have a breech baby. Nobody ever pretends to compare themselves to other pregnant ladies walking by. We don't pretend the hard stuff in life, we only pretend the dream. So what do we do when we grow up, and we aren't pretending anymore, we are living "the dream?" However, this "dream" doesn't quite look like it did when I was 7.
Pregnancy is only the beginning of the dreams coming to a screeching halt. When that first little baby enters your life, nothing stays the same. Everything you thought you knew goes out the window and for me an increasing amount of self-doubt began to fill in those empty places in my mind. A post-partum, first time mom can be a fertile place for the devil to begin planting lies about the type of mother you are and are going to be. I wish I knew then, what I know now and would have squashed him out. With each child, I have been able to uncover and defeat the lies the devil planted in me during that vulnerable time. Yet, he never gives up trying to find a way in, and for many of us, our vulnerabilities as a mom are where he tries the hardest.
This week, has been one of those vulnerable weeks. My children have driven me crazy. If I had a counter and I clicked it every time I heard the word Mommy this week, it would read an insanely high number. They have been on a mission this week to wear me down. I think they had a powwow on Monday and decided this was the week to take me down so they could have rule over this kingdom. In many ways, they have succeeded. I have exploded so many times this week that truly they have gained control. If they can get me to lose control over my emotions, then they have control. This week, I have not been the mom I thought I'd be. I never imagined raising my voice at my child. I never pretended to have to take away a drink at a restaurant from a pouty 4 year old who didn't get the straw color she wanted. I never imagined telling a 10 year old I couldn't help her study because it was 8:00 and I was already in bed and too tired. Yes, 8:00, I know.
I'm not the mom I thought I'd be. I don't rise early and make a hearty breakfast. I don't meal plan a year in advance and cook dinner every night. This week we ate out 4 times, and I felt guilty every time, but it was one of those weeks. I don't have a perfect home where unexpected guests are always welcome. I work part-time and barely have enough energy left to make it to 8:00. I raise my voice at my children. I don't call it yelling because I don't think it escalates to that. I get very frustrated with them when they don't listen to me. I feel like I am never doing enough to raise them to be Godly young women that fear the Lord. I can't see the fruit, and I worry that I'm not watering enough. I struggle with the small, countless decisions that I have to make throughout the day.
Yes, I'm not the mom I thought I'd be....so it's a good thing that He is the God that He will always be. Because He is the God who watched me play pretend as a little girl, He is the God who is watching me live reality with my little girls. He knows every dream, He knows every reality. He is closing the gap between the two. If my life reflected the dreams I had as a little girl, I wouldn't need the Lord. Because this life is so much more complex and complicated, I need a God who is so much bigger. Yet again, He has brought me to an area where I have to admit that I am weak, in order to see that even in motherhood, I need Him to be strong. "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God." James 1:5 I can't be the mom I thought I'd be, without God refilling me. Day after day, seeking wisdom, learning truth, praying fervently, admitting my weakness, relying on His strength. There was no mistake when He gave me my 3 precious daughters, He knew they needed me. I think there is a reason I'm not the mom I thought I'd be, and it's so I can be the mom He sees in me and they need me to be. And she is so much better than I could have ever dreamed of becoming.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Writing on my Heart
Do you ever lay in bed at night and think of wonderfully inspiring thoughts and messages that seem to flow effortlessly from your mind. Only to wake in the morning and feel like you have nothing to say that could impossibly inspire anyone? I have those moments all the time. When I'm quiet, laying still and everything but my mind has been turned off, thoughts just flow. However, when I wake in the morning, there is very little that actually remains from that perfect lesson the night before.
Why is that? I tell myself all the time, I should write these things down, but somehow I think if I was to get up and try to write them down, I would lose them just the same. I believe the key ingredient is the quiet and the stillness. My mind can focus on a single topic, rather than the 80 million I've been distracted by the rest of the day. Being mom and teacher, there are not many completely quiet moments of my day. And even if my surroundings are quiet, my mind surely isn't. So I think the Lord uses the night time, those moments before I fall asleep, to speak to my soul.
I have my quiet times in the morning. I've found that if I don't get up with my coffee and my Jesus, I have a very difficult time functioning those first few hours of the morning. I need to rid my flesh of its desires so I can help fulfill the needs of 3 little ladies. My quiet time is nothing amazing or in depth, it's just my time with my Jesus thanking Him for who He is and has been and praying that He'll be faithful yet again in our current situation. I love to watch the sunrise He paints for me across the sky in our backyard. It takes my breath away and is a reminder of how much He loves beauty and to bring beauty into our lives.
So I find it interesting that He chooses night time to minister back to me. Perhaps I'm still distracted in the mornings with all that will have to be done in the day, that I can't truly listen to what He is telling me. I think He waits until He knows I am still and I am at peace to deeply speak to my soul. I am not claiming that every night I hear an audible voice from the Lord, but I know the thoughts running through my mind are from Him. They are putting puzzle pieces together from the day of lessons taught and learned. Connecting knowledge I have of Him with the wisdom He is growing in me. And although I wake up not always remembering what exactly I was thinking about the night before, I know it has been written on my heart.
The one clear time I can say I audibly heard the voice of God speak to me was in the middle of the night. He awakened me with a song and then asked me to listen. As I listened I told Him, "How will I remember these things you are telling me in the morning?" He told me He was writing them on my heart. I got up the next morning and journaled them just to be sure, but He showed me, that He writes things on my heart. As I seek Him, He makes known to me great and hidden things. He is writing wisdom on my heart because my heart is open and willing to receive it.
I want to encourage you to be still. Lay in bed tonight and utter a simple prayer asking the Lord to write things on your heart. What better way to fall asleep than a lullaby of praise and worship as you prepare to rest in His presence.
"Thus says the Lord who made the earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it - the Lord is his name: Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah 33:2-3
Why is that? I tell myself all the time, I should write these things down, but somehow I think if I was to get up and try to write them down, I would lose them just the same. I believe the key ingredient is the quiet and the stillness. My mind can focus on a single topic, rather than the 80 million I've been distracted by the rest of the day. Being mom and teacher, there are not many completely quiet moments of my day. And even if my surroundings are quiet, my mind surely isn't. So I think the Lord uses the night time, those moments before I fall asleep, to speak to my soul.
I have my quiet times in the morning. I've found that if I don't get up with my coffee and my Jesus, I have a very difficult time functioning those first few hours of the morning. I need to rid my flesh of its desires so I can help fulfill the needs of 3 little ladies. My quiet time is nothing amazing or in depth, it's just my time with my Jesus thanking Him for who He is and has been and praying that He'll be faithful yet again in our current situation. I love to watch the sunrise He paints for me across the sky in our backyard. It takes my breath away and is a reminder of how much He loves beauty and to bring beauty into our lives.
So I find it interesting that He chooses night time to minister back to me. Perhaps I'm still distracted in the mornings with all that will have to be done in the day, that I can't truly listen to what He is telling me. I think He waits until He knows I am still and I am at peace to deeply speak to my soul. I am not claiming that every night I hear an audible voice from the Lord, but I know the thoughts running through my mind are from Him. They are putting puzzle pieces together from the day of lessons taught and learned. Connecting knowledge I have of Him with the wisdom He is growing in me. And although I wake up not always remembering what exactly I was thinking about the night before, I know it has been written on my heart.
The one clear time I can say I audibly heard the voice of God speak to me was in the middle of the night. He awakened me with a song and then asked me to listen. As I listened I told Him, "How will I remember these things you are telling me in the morning?" He told me He was writing them on my heart. I got up the next morning and journaled them just to be sure, but He showed me, that He writes things on my heart. As I seek Him, He makes known to me great and hidden things. He is writing wisdom on my heart because my heart is open and willing to receive it.
I want to encourage you to be still. Lay in bed tonight and utter a simple prayer asking the Lord to write things on your heart. What better way to fall asleep than a lullaby of praise and worship as you prepare to rest in His presence.
"Thus says the Lord who made the earth, the Lord who formed it to establish it - the Lord is his name: Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." Jeremiah 33:2-3
Friday, June 13, 2014
New Seasons
Do you ever get excited about a new season beginning because it gives you the excuse to start over? Thoughts of, this time I will accomplish so much more than last time. I am definitely at that point today. Today is my first official day of Summer. Not only is it the most exciting season of the year, it is full of possibilities and no disappointments, yet. I have already started mapping out what this Summer will entail and how I am going to be on top of it all this year. I have plans for the kids, goals for myself and today, it looks like nothing can stop me.
I think we all need days like this. Days where the future looks bright and the possibilities endless. Those are the days we should write goals and make plans. Who wants to make plans when you are feeling overcome with disappointment and nothing is going your way. I say seize the day and plan away. I was reading today(yes, that was a goal of mine, to read every day) in Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker, and the subject was on goal setting. He reminded his readers of the age old saying, "Where there is no vision, the people parish." Writing goals is putting your vision down on paper. You think it, write it, achieve it.
It takes faith to write a goal, especially if you are a perfectionist and don't want any chance of failing. When you have a vision for how you would like a new season to look, things you would like to accomplish, dreams you would like to see become reality, write it down. Take 5 minutes to jot it down in your journal. I'm always amazed at how quickly a profound thought can leave my mind. I think of something wonderful and amazing, but don't write it down. Then I am frustrated with myself because I can't remember that inspirational thought.
Writing a goal, vision or dream down allows you to remember the moment it came to you, pray over it and revise it as necessary. It is just another step in living on purpose. During this new season of Summer, why not make some goals of things you can do to live on purpose, with your kids, your marriage, in your personal walk with The Lord, in your daily activities. Live with vision, live with dreams, live with goals....on purpose.
I think we all need days like this. Days where the future looks bright and the possibilities endless. Those are the days we should write goals and make plans. Who wants to make plans when you are feeling overcome with disappointment and nothing is going your way. I say seize the day and plan away. I was reading today(yes, that was a goal of mine, to read every day) in Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker, and the subject was on goal setting. He reminded his readers of the age old saying, "Where there is no vision, the people parish." Writing goals is putting your vision down on paper. You think it, write it, achieve it.
It takes faith to write a goal, especially if you are a perfectionist and don't want any chance of failing. When you have a vision for how you would like a new season to look, things you would like to accomplish, dreams you would like to see become reality, write it down. Take 5 minutes to jot it down in your journal. I'm always amazed at how quickly a profound thought can leave my mind. I think of something wonderful and amazing, but don't write it down. Then I am frustrated with myself because I can't remember that inspirational thought.
Writing a goal, vision or dream down allows you to remember the moment it came to you, pray over it and revise it as necessary. It is just another step in living on purpose. During this new season of Summer, why not make some goals of things you can do to live on purpose, with your kids, your marriage, in your personal walk with The Lord, in your daily activities. Live with vision, live with dreams, live with goals....on purpose.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Easter Weekend Reflections
This past weekend we celebrated the death and resurrection of our Lord. With each passing year, I find myself more overwhelmed with the act of love the Father performed on my behalf. He loved me so much, He gave His only Son to be the sacrifice for my sin. Christ, in His fleshly body, bore the pain that was to be mine. What greater act of love than to take someone's pain.
I find that is a common phrase people use when they don't know how to react to someone going through a painful situation, "If I could take your pain away, I would." Well, they may want to take some of the pain, but would any of us truly take someone else's pain on our own physical body? Yet Christ took the pain of many on His and it is by those stripes on His back that we are saved.
When I truly turn my attention to the cross, and the act of love Christ performed on my behalf, I'm overcome with love for Him. The more I focus on Him, the more I want to be like Him. My prayer is that the older I become, the more I desire to know Christ and the more like Him I become. I am definitely a work in progress, a clay pot being shaped and molded by the potter. But I desire nothing more than to have Him conforming me, and making me into a beautiful vessel to be used for His purposes.
I find that is a common phrase people use when they don't know how to react to someone going through a painful situation, "If I could take your pain away, I would." Well, they may want to take some of the pain, but would any of us truly take someone else's pain on our own physical body? Yet Christ took the pain of many on His and it is by those stripes on His back that we are saved.
When I truly turn my attention to the cross, and the act of love Christ performed on my behalf, I'm overcome with love for Him. The more I focus on Him, the more I want to be like Him. My prayer is that the older I become, the more I desire to know Christ and the more like Him I become. I am definitely a work in progress, a clay pot being shaped and molded by the potter. But I desire nothing more than to have Him conforming me, and making me into a beautiful vessel to be used for His purposes.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Made for Purposeful Living - A New Season
Yes, I am back to writing, and yes, I hope it will catch on this time and become a frequent part of my life. I have the desire to blog and journal in this public way so that I may share those things with wihich God is enlightening me. I am not a preacher, I am not a Biblical Scholar, I am a follower of Christ. I may misinterpret things, I may not have a strong opinion, but I am led by the Holy Spirit and when He tells me to share something, I want to be obedient. Therefore, I feel this is the best avenue to share my thoughts and feelings.
Without fail, every time I sit down to write, a little person in my life decides they need something. I am a mother of 3 beautiful girls. I've learned through the years that I am mom at all times of the day. I never get to hang up my uniform and go on break. I'm always on call. When the kids were smaller, I really struggled with this. I just wanted a break, a few moments, or days to catch my breath. I missed being able to make choices for me and only me. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. I was responsible for 3 other little lives, and I wasn't getting to enjoy things for myself. My perspective has changed a little now. They don't need me quite as much or as often. My youngest is 4 and quite independent. She reminds me often that she is not my baby anymore and that I should have more babies if I want them. If she wasn't so cute, I'd be upset, but she's right in a way. She isn't a baby, but she will always be my baby.
So I have been facing this new season of life with some timidity. I'm not sure I'm ready to not have a baby in the house. I honestly don't know how the last 4 years slipped by so quickly, but there is no evidence of a baby in my house. I've methodically given away, sold, donated those items that signify that a very small person lives here. I didn't do it all at once, but in stages as I felt prepared. There are a few, okay several, items that I have too much attachment to to let go of. Yes, you can be attached to a bouncy seat. All 3 babies bounced for hours and it's a reminder of how I used to crave a shower and the bouncy seat would make that possible. There are several hundred memories built around some of the baby items that have been with us from the beginning. No wonder it is so hard to say goodbye to that season.
I've learned a few things through my life as a Christian mother. I know it is never a good idea to dwell on the past and what was, what could have been, what wasn't. I can't live in the past with those precious babies. The memories are sweet, but somehow the mind blocks out all the tough times and the nights where I would have paid a million dollars just to sleep 6 hours straight. The pains of the season get blurry the further away I get, but the joys of the season get stronger. If I'm not careful, I find myself longing to relive the past instead of being present in the future.
Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who knows my tendency to do this very thing and can gently nudge me in the present. I'm having to work at it though, I'm having to make a choice to see the joy in the present. It takes work to live fully right where you are. For me, it is a daily decision to live today to its fullest. I'm always looking back, or looking forward. I can see just how quickly this season will too pass and I don't want to miss it because I was stuck in the past.
It isn't fair to my girls if I don't grow with them. So as hard as it is to take steps forward and acknowledge that I don't have a baby in my home anymore, I'm ready to do that. As I look for the joy in this new season, I discover it and unlock treasures I didn't know would be here. I have that time to myself now that I so desperately craved 3 years ago. I have time for ministry and friendship. We can go out to eat as a family and not be the spectacle of the entire restaurant. We can go to Busch Gardens and not take a hundred "just in case" items. We don't have to buy diapers! These are silly little things, but they are joys in the moment.
I am watching 3 little girls turn into beautiful little ladies and make the decision to follow Jesus. What could be sweeter and more precious than that? A few years ago, I memorized Philippians 4:11-12. I'm grateful that the Lord has shown me what contentment is. My contentment is shown in the way I live this day, in this moment of time, and give thanks for it. I cannot hold onto what is behind or long for what is to come. The Lord has given me today, and I want to fully embrace it and soak in everything He has for me right here. I was made for purposeful living. He has something for me to do today and if I'm too busy looking behind me or ahead of me, I'll miss it. I'm thankful for the responsibility of raising 3 little girls, no matter their age or season, I will be content and thankful that the Lord has entrusted them to me!
Without fail, every time I sit down to write, a little person in my life decides they need something. I am a mother of 3 beautiful girls. I've learned through the years that I am mom at all times of the day. I never get to hang up my uniform and go on break. I'm always on call. When the kids were smaller, I really struggled with this. I just wanted a break, a few moments, or days to catch my breath. I missed being able to make choices for me and only me. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. I was responsible for 3 other little lives, and I wasn't getting to enjoy things for myself. My perspective has changed a little now. They don't need me quite as much or as often. My youngest is 4 and quite independent. She reminds me often that she is not my baby anymore and that I should have more babies if I want them. If she wasn't so cute, I'd be upset, but she's right in a way. She isn't a baby, but she will always be my baby.
So I have been facing this new season of life with some timidity. I'm not sure I'm ready to not have a baby in the house. I honestly don't know how the last 4 years slipped by so quickly, but there is no evidence of a baby in my house. I've methodically given away, sold, donated those items that signify that a very small person lives here. I didn't do it all at once, but in stages as I felt prepared. There are a few, okay several, items that I have too much attachment to to let go of. Yes, you can be attached to a bouncy seat. All 3 babies bounced for hours and it's a reminder of how I used to crave a shower and the bouncy seat would make that possible. There are several hundred memories built around some of the baby items that have been with us from the beginning. No wonder it is so hard to say goodbye to that season.
I've learned a few things through my life as a Christian mother. I know it is never a good idea to dwell on the past and what was, what could have been, what wasn't. I can't live in the past with those precious babies. The memories are sweet, but somehow the mind blocks out all the tough times and the nights where I would have paid a million dollars just to sleep 6 hours straight. The pains of the season get blurry the further away I get, but the joys of the season get stronger. If I'm not careful, I find myself longing to relive the past instead of being present in the future.
Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who knows my tendency to do this very thing and can gently nudge me in the present. I'm having to work at it though, I'm having to make a choice to see the joy in the present. It takes work to live fully right where you are. For me, it is a daily decision to live today to its fullest. I'm always looking back, or looking forward. I can see just how quickly this season will too pass and I don't want to miss it because I was stuck in the past.
It isn't fair to my girls if I don't grow with them. So as hard as it is to take steps forward and acknowledge that I don't have a baby in my home anymore, I'm ready to do that. As I look for the joy in this new season, I discover it and unlock treasures I didn't know would be here. I have that time to myself now that I so desperately craved 3 years ago. I have time for ministry and friendship. We can go out to eat as a family and not be the spectacle of the entire restaurant. We can go to Busch Gardens and not take a hundred "just in case" items. We don't have to buy diapers! These are silly little things, but they are joys in the moment.
I am watching 3 little girls turn into beautiful little ladies and make the decision to follow Jesus. What could be sweeter and more precious than that? A few years ago, I memorized Philippians 4:11-12. I'm grateful that the Lord has shown me what contentment is. My contentment is shown in the way I live this day, in this moment of time, and give thanks for it. I cannot hold onto what is behind or long for what is to come. The Lord has given me today, and I want to fully embrace it and soak in everything He has for me right here. I was made for purposeful living. He has something for me to do today and if I'm too busy looking behind me or ahead of me, I'll miss it. I'm thankful for the responsibility of raising 3 little girls, no matter their age or season, I will be content and thankful that the Lord has entrusted them to me!
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