Yes, I am back to writing, and yes, I hope it will catch on this time and become a frequent part of my life. I have the desire to blog and journal in this public way so that I may share those things with wihich God is enlightening me. I am not a preacher, I am not a Biblical Scholar, I am a follower of Christ. I may misinterpret things, I may not have a strong opinion, but I am led by the Holy Spirit and when He tells me to share something, I want to be obedient. Therefore, I feel this is the best avenue to share my thoughts and feelings.
Without fail, every time I sit down to write, a little person in my life decides they need something. I am a mother of 3 beautiful girls. I've learned through the years that I am mom at all times of the day. I never get to hang up my uniform and go on break. I'm always on call. When the kids were smaller, I really struggled with this. I just wanted a break, a few moments, or days to catch my breath. I missed being able to make choices for me and only me. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. I was responsible for 3 other little lives, and I wasn't getting to enjoy things for myself. My perspective has changed a little now. They don't need me quite as much or as often. My youngest is 4 and quite independent. She reminds me often that she is not my baby anymore and that I should have more babies if I want them. If she wasn't so cute, I'd be upset, but she's right in a way. She isn't a baby, but she will always be my baby.
So I have been facing this new season of life with some timidity. I'm not sure I'm ready to not have a baby in the house. I honestly don't know how the last 4 years slipped by so quickly, but there is no evidence of a baby in my house. I've methodically given away, sold, donated those items that signify that a very small person lives here. I didn't do it all at once, but in stages as I felt prepared. There are a few, okay several, items that I have too much attachment to to let go of. Yes, you can be attached to a bouncy seat. All 3 babies bounced for hours and it's a reminder of how I used to crave a shower and the bouncy seat would make that possible. There are several hundred memories built around some of the baby items that have been with us from the beginning. No wonder it is so hard to say goodbye to that season.
I've learned a few things through my life as a Christian mother. I know it is never a good idea to dwell on the past and what was, what could have been, what wasn't. I can't live in the past with those precious babies. The memories are sweet, but somehow the mind blocks out all the tough times and the nights where I would have paid a million dollars just to sleep 6 hours straight. The pains of the season get blurry the further away I get, but the joys of the season get stronger. If I'm not careful, I find myself longing to relive the past instead of being present in the future.
Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who knows my tendency to do this very thing and can gently nudge me in the present. I'm having to work at it though, I'm having to make a choice to see the joy in the present. It takes work to live fully right where you are. For me, it is a daily decision to live today to its fullest. I'm always looking back, or looking forward. I can see just how quickly this season will too pass and I don't want to miss it because I was stuck in the past.
It isn't fair to my girls if I don't grow with them. So as hard as it is to take steps forward and acknowledge that I don't have a baby in my home anymore, I'm ready to do that. As I look for the joy in this new season, I discover it and unlock treasures I didn't know would be here. I have that time to myself now that I so desperately craved 3 years ago. I have time for ministry and friendship. We can go out to eat as a family and not be the spectacle of the entire restaurant. We can go to Busch Gardens and not take a hundred "just in case" items. We don't have to buy diapers! These are silly little things, but they are joys in the moment.
I am watching 3 little girls turn into beautiful little ladies and make the decision to follow Jesus. What could be sweeter and more precious than that? A few years ago, I memorized Philippians 4:11-12. I'm grateful that the Lord has shown me what contentment is. My contentment is shown in the way I live this day, in this moment of time, and give thanks for it. I cannot hold onto what is behind or long for what is to come. The Lord has given me today, and I want to fully embrace it and soak in everything He has for me right here. I was made for purposeful living. He has something for me to do today and if I'm too busy looking behind me or ahead of me, I'll miss it. I'm thankful for the responsibility of raising 3 little girls, no matter their age or season, I will be content and thankful that the Lord has entrusted them to me!
