This thought has been running through my head this past week as I've had multiple moments that I sincerely was not the mom I thought I'd be. Growing up I declared that I was going to drive a station wagon and have 6 children so every seat would be filled. I was one of those little girls that always played house. I had baby dolls galore, baby diapers, bottles, feeding chairs, strollers. You name it, if a mommy needed it, I needed it for my baby dolls. From as young as I can remember, I couldn't wait to be a mommy. I thought it must be the best thing in the world.
Fast forward to the present, I am a mommy. I do not have 6 children, and I can't imagine having 6 children. I do not drive a station wagon, although a mini-van is a close second. I do not have baby diapers, bottles or feeding chairs anymore. Just the occasional stroller for those long days at the amusement parks. My baby is about to turn 5 and that breaks my heart a little.
So why do I say, "I'm not the mom I thought I'd be?" Because, I look nothing like the little girl that used to play house with her little baby dolls. These sweet little girls that I call my own actually talk, and they talk a lot. They don't sit quietly like my baby dolls used to. They don't compliantly go along with my plans for the day like my baby dolls did. They have free will and they aren't afraid to use it. And that drives me a little insane some days.
I'm not the mom I thought I'd be because I don't have the children I thought I'd have. And the children I thought I'd have, don't really exist. It isn't that someone else got my compliant, well-behaved, always obedient children and I got their arguing, non-listening, question-asking children. I have the exact 3 children the Lord knew I needed, but motherhood is not how I imagined it would be. Like any little girl or boy who dreams they will grow up to be a superhero, doctor, veterinarian or astronaut, reality hits hard those first few months of college. Motherhood is the same way, Reality hits hard the first few days, even of pregnancy.
I didn't have easy pregnancies. My first was probably my most normal pregnancy, but I had a very difficult time allowing myself to gain weight. I was very conscious of how much weight I was gaining and how I compared to others that were pregnant around me. My second pregnancy followed 2 miscarriages which to this day bring tears to my eyes when I recall the pain I experienced from losing those pregnancies. So my second pregnancy was full of fear that something would go wrong and I would lose this baby. My third pregnancy was hard because our sweet, little stubborn girl wanted to hang out breech most of the 3rd trimester. So I dealt with fear that I would not be able to have a normal delivery with her.
When you are 7 years old and dream of having babies one day, you pretend you are pregnant by stuffing a blanket in your shirt. Nobody ever pretends to have a miscarriage or have a breech baby. Nobody ever pretends to compare themselves to other pregnant ladies walking by. We don't pretend the hard stuff in life, we only pretend the dream. So what do we do when we grow up, and we aren't pretending anymore, we are living "the dream?" However, this "dream" doesn't quite look like it did when I was 7.
Pregnancy is only the beginning of the dreams coming to a screeching halt. When that first little baby enters your life, nothing stays the same. Everything you thought you knew goes out the window and for me an increasing amount of self-doubt began to fill in those empty places in my mind. A post-partum, first time mom can be a fertile place for the devil to begin planting lies about the type of mother you are and are going to be. I wish I knew then, what I know now and would have squashed him out. With each child, I have been able to uncover and defeat the lies the devil planted in me during that vulnerable time. Yet, he never gives up trying to find a way in, and for many of us, our vulnerabilities as a mom are where he tries the hardest.
This week, has been one of those vulnerable weeks. My children have driven me crazy. If I had a counter and I clicked it every time I heard the word Mommy this week, it would read an insanely high number. They have been on a mission this week to wear me down. I think they had a powwow on Monday and decided this was the week to take me down so they could have rule over this kingdom. In many ways, they have succeeded. I have exploded so many times this week that truly they have gained control. If they can get me to lose control over my emotions, then they have control. This week, I have not been the mom I thought I'd be. I never imagined raising my voice at my child. I never pretended to have to take away a drink at a restaurant from a pouty 4 year old who didn't get the straw color she wanted. I never imagined telling a 10 year old I couldn't help her study because it was 8:00 and I was already in bed and too tired. Yes, 8:00, I know.
I'm not the mom I thought I'd be. I don't rise early and make a hearty breakfast. I don't meal plan a year in advance and cook dinner every night. This week we ate out 4 times, and I felt guilty every time, but it was one of those weeks. I don't have a perfect home where unexpected guests are always welcome. I work part-time and barely have enough energy left to make it to 8:00. I raise my voice at my children. I don't call it yelling because I don't think it escalates to that. I get very frustrated with them when they don't listen to me. I feel like I am never doing enough to raise them to be Godly young women that fear the Lord. I can't see the fruit, and I worry that I'm not watering enough. I struggle with the small, countless decisions that I have to make throughout the day.
Yes, I'm not the mom I thought I'd be....so it's a good thing that He is the God that He will always be. Because He is the God who watched me play pretend as a little girl, He is the God who is watching me live reality with my little girls. He knows every dream, He knows every reality. He is closing the gap between the two. If my life reflected the dreams I had as a little girl, I wouldn't need the Lord. Because this life is so much more complex and complicated, I need a God who is so much bigger. Yet again, He has brought me to an area where I have to admit that I am weak, in order to see that even in motherhood, I need Him to be strong. "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God." James 1:5 I can't be the mom I thought I'd be, without God refilling me. Day after day, seeking wisdom, learning truth, praying fervently, admitting my weakness, relying on His strength. There was no mistake when He gave me my 3 precious daughters, He knew they needed me. I think there is a reason I'm not the mom I thought I'd be, and it's so I can be the mom He sees in me and they need me to be. And she is so much better than I could have ever dreamed of becoming.
