Well it took you long enough

   I kind of imagine that's what the Lord is thinking about me right now.  He probably isn't, He would never be so harsh, but He sure has a right to.  I'm 33 years old, yes, I know it is hard to believe, but it is true.  I asked Jesus into my little bitty heart at the age of 5.  So I have lived 28 years(that took me a minute) with Jesus in my heart.  I don't think at 5 years old I was a big, bad sinner and apparently I never required a spanking so I might have been close to perfect.  Yet, I made the decision to ask Jesus in my heart and to my knowledge never looked back and never considered another path.
  I was raised in a Christian home and have often thanked my parents for raising me in a bubble.  My eyes were opened to reality upon entering college, and even then it was Christian university so it wasn't that overwhelming of a change.  So why the title, it took you long enough....  I know as Christians our life is a journey as is our relationship with the Lord.  Our path is often unknown and we are asked to walk in faith for much of it.  I totally get that, been there, done it, a lot, currently doing it.  But, there are seasons in life when the road is harder, more tumultuous, more draining, yet more rewarding all at the same time.  I've been in one of those seasons of my life recently.  As mentioned in my other posts, the Lord really brought me to my ultimate point of weakness a few weeks ago.  Hands thrown up in the air, can't do it anymore, not strong enough.  Choosing in that moment to turn to Him and trust Him rather than give up all together became a pivotal moment in my relationship with Him.  When I began to focus on His strength and the Grace that He shows me, my focus came off of myself and onto Him.  For the first time in my Christian walk,  I truly began to turn my focus off of myself and my daily troubles and needs and onto THE CROSS and what Jesus did for me.
   I don't think as a 5 year old I truly grasped what the Cross meant, and I don't think between then and now did I truly take the time to think about what the Cross meant for me.  He died for me, to cover all the sins I would commit, to give me strength to walk on this earth despite everything that is out there to distract me.  It all comes down to His Grace.  When I worship Him, it is not to gain, but to give.  To fully thank Him and give Him glory for what He did on the Cross for me.  So what took me so long?  Why did it take 28 years to realize that it is all about the Cross and His Grace.
   Just in the last week since shifting my focus off of my needs, worries, desires, heartaches, and onto His Cross have I truly felt my burdens lifted.  I am at peace with our situation knowing that He has a bigger plan and He can see the bigger picture.  Still desiring His revelation of it, but just basking in His faithfulness and willingness to allow me to go one step closer in my walk with Him. An ounce of Grace never felt so good!

On the verge

    So I've been mulling over this post for a few days, too busy or too emotional to sit down and write.  Last Thursday I experienced one of those days where all day long I was on the verge of tears. Physically I shouldn't have had an excuse to be extra sensitive, but my mind wasn't convinced.  I did so well though, I held it in all day.  Then as I lay down for bed and my head hit the pillow, I couldn't hold it any longer and I began to weep. I think weeping is deeper than just crying.  It comes from a deep place within where there is complete and utter lack of control and reason.  It's one of those things that maybe we only do once a month, or as mom's maybe we are allowed to do a little more often.
   I wept, and that's okay because Jesus wept too.  I wept because I was at the end of my physical, emotional and spiritual strength.  I couldn't battle anymore, I couldn't pray anymore, all I could do is weep.  My husband was very supportive and gentle and allowed me to blubber about what it was that was bothering me.  He didn't have to ask many questions though because he already knows what it is.  We are walking this road together and he knows my deepest fears, my greatest joys and my highest dreams.  So we didn't have to talk much, just enough that I could spill my heart out and he could be strong for me.
   So I thought after my good session of weeping I would awaken the next morning to joy evermore.  Wrong...all weekend I was still on the verge of more tears.  I think God has me on the verge for a reason.  He has me at that very place where I need Him most.  In my own natural strength I can do nothing right now.  I'm completely out of control of the biggest circumstances in my life.  So I'm on the verge of something Big...I have to be.  So I'm choosing to fall...to my knees, on my face, in my tears.  I have to place complete and utter trust in the One who told me that He will never leave me or forsake me.  To cling to His promise that He is the everlasting God and He will not grow weary.  To know that "Splendor and Majesty are before Him, strength and joy in His dwelling place." 1 Chronicles 16:27. On Christ the solid rock I stand, even when I'm on the verge.