I've begun many posts in my mind, just can't seem to find the time or length of time needed to sit down and write. I've longed to write, but obviously haven't been compelled enough to do it. So here I sit, ready to tackle the last 3 months and sum it up in a nutshell. That just seems to overwhelming, yet at the same time vitally important if I want to remember an ounce of what the Lord has brought me through the last few months. So I will begin and we will just see where it ends.
Talk about having your world flipped upside down. I didn't experience a major tragedy, one that would completely shatter me or my family. I did however experience a major change in my life and like most people, change that involves pain isn't always freely welcomed. I believe the last post I had written was concerning how much I was at the end of myself. I look back on that period 4 months ago and I remember how humbled, and surrendered I felt. I believe in those days of desperation I was growing, maturing, and being held close by my Father. It's an amazing feeling to put down all the burdens you've carried around and proclaim that you can't do it anymore. Letting the balls that you are juggling fall to the ground. Then the Master chooses to put those balls in the places He wants them. Hmmmm....not always easy, but feeling confident that He is placing them right where He wants them.
So, this change, what was it, how did it occur? Well, I received a phone call at the end of June to come in for an interview at Atlantic Shores. Now, I had laid Atlantic Shores down. I had surrendered the security I felt I was holding onto from that place. It has always been a huge part of my life and had become a place in which I placed a lot of my security. I had surrendered it to the Lord and was ready to move my oldest daughter to public school. Then, the phone call. I told them I didn't know if I wanted to interview, because I didn't know. I convinced myself to do it so then at least I would know for sure that I wasn't supposed to be there. Can you just hear God chuckle sometimes? I can picture Him just sitting back with a notebook of all those things we said we'd never do and He's just checking them off the list as He moves us into them.
I interviewed, I presented my hubby with all the reasons I couldn't take a job and he presented me with all the reasons I could and should. The pro column far outweighed the con column and in the end, there was peace. I've tried to tell myself there wasn't peace, I misread it, made a wrong choice; but there was peace. So I dwelt in the peace for 2 months and tried not to think too much about how my world was going to change. Everything fell into place with the kids and childcare and the Lord continued to show me He was in control. Then, August. Oh, August, why did you come so fast? I'm not ready for this, I'm not capable, this is a huge mistake, but it's too late, no turning back.
I cried every day my first 2 weeks of school. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because my 2 year old would grab my leg and tell me not to go to work. I cried because I missed spending the day with my birthday girl. Ouch...change hurts. I discovered that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to that season of my life. It wasn't that this new season was so bad, it's that it hurt so much to walk out of the former season.
We are now 9 weeks into the school year. I don't cry everyday. I have my moments of sadness, of missing something from that former season. I have those mornings where all I want to do is snuggle on the couch with my youngest or pick up my kindergardener from school and go to Chuck E Cheese. The moments of joy are returning. I took an hour this past weekend to write down the positive things that have come from this seasonal change. They are numerous and perhaps one day will outweigh the sadness and the pain it took to step into this season. I can't see the bigger picture yet. I know there is a bigger picture though. I know this is part of a beautiful tapestry He is weaving. How do I know that? Because every time before He has taken me through something difficult, He has made it into something beautiful in my life. A stone of remembrance from a place where He met me, He held me, He walked with me. He never lets go. Sometimes I think He holds us by the fingertips as if we were learning to walk just so we can see that we are capable. "Pardon for sin, a peace that endureth, Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide; strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine with 10,000 beside."
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Well it took you long enough
I kind of imagine that's what the Lord is thinking about me right now. He probably isn't, He would never be so harsh, but He sure has a right to. I'm 33 years old, yes, I know it is hard to believe, but it is true. I asked Jesus into my little bitty heart at the age of 5. So I have lived 28 years(that took me a minute) with Jesus in my heart. I don't think at 5 years old I was a big, bad sinner and apparently I never required a spanking so I might have been close to perfect. Yet, I made the decision to ask Jesus in my heart and to my knowledge never looked back and never considered another path.
I was raised in a Christian home and have often thanked my parents for raising me in a bubble. My eyes were opened to reality upon entering college, and even then it was Christian university so it wasn't that overwhelming of a change. So why the title, it took you long enough.... I know as Christians our life is a journey as is our relationship with the Lord. Our path is often unknown and we are asked to walk in faith for much of it. I totally get that, been there, done it, a lot, currently doing it. But, there are seasons in life when the road is harder, more tumultuous, more draining, yet more rewarding all at the same time. I've been in one of those seasons of my life recently. As mentioned in my other posts, the Lord really brought me to my ultimate point of weakness a few weeks ago. Hands thrown up in the air, can't do it anymore, not strong enough. Choosing in that moment to turn to Him and trust Him rather than give up all together became a pivotal moment in my relationship with Him. When I began to focus on His strength and the Grace that He shows me, my focus came off of myself and onto Him. For the first time in my Christian walk, I truly began to turn my focus off of myself and my daily troubles and needs and onto THE CROSS and what Jesus did for me.
I don't think as a 5 year old I truly grasped what the Cross meant, and I don't think between then and now did I truly take the time to think about what the Cross meant for me. He died for me, to cover all the sins I would commit, to give me strength to walk on this earth despite everything that is out there to distract me. It all comes down to His Grace. When I worship Him, it is not to gain, but to give. To fully thank Him and give Him glory for what He did on the Cross for me. So what took me so long? Why did it take 28 years to realize that it is all about the Cross and His Grace.
Just in the last week since shifting my focus off of my needs, worries, desires, heartaches, and onto His Cross have I truly felt my burdens lifted. I am at peace with our situation knowing that He has a bigger plan and He can see the bigger picture. Still desiring His revelation of it, but just basking in His faithfulness and willingness to allow me to go one step closer in my walk with Him. An ounce of Grace never felt so good!
I was raised in a Christian home and have often thanked my parents for raising me in a bubble. My eyes were opened to reality upon entering college, and even then it was Christian university so it wasn't that overwhelming of a change. So why the title, it took you long enough.... I know as Christians our life is a journey as is our relationship with the Lord. Our path is often unknown and we are asked to walk in faith for much of it. I totally get that, been there, done it, a lot, currently doing it. But, there are seasons in life when the road is harder, more tumultuous, more draining, yet more rewarding all at the same time. I've been in one of those seasons of my life recently. As mentioned in my other posts, the Lord really brought me to my ultimate point of weakness a few weeks ago. Hands thrown up in the air, can't do it anymore, not strong enough. Choosing in that moment to turn to Him and trust Him rather than give up all together became a pivotal moment in my relationship with Him. When I began to focus on His strength and the Grace that He shows me, my focus came off of myself and onto Him. For the first time in my Christian walk, I truly began to turn my focus off of myself and my daily troubles and needs and onto THE CROSS and what Jesus did for me.
I don't think as a 5 year old I truly grasped what the Cross meant, and I don't think between then and now did I truly take the time to think about what the Cross meant for me. He died for me, to cover all the sins I would commit, to give me strength to walk on this earth despite everything that is out there to distract me. It all comes down to His Grace. When I worship Him, it is not to gain, but to give. To fully thank Him and give Him glory for what He did on the Cross for me. So what took me so long? Why did it take 28 years to realize that it is all about the Cross and His Grace.
Just in the last week since shifting my focus off of my needs, worries, desires, heartaches, and onto His Cross have I truly felt my burdens lifted. I am at peace with our situation knowing that He has a bigger plan and He can see the bigger picture. Still desiring His revelation of it, but just basking in His faithfulness and willingness to allow me to go one step closer in my walk with Him. An ounce of Grace never felt so good!
Monday, June 4, 2012
On the verge
So I've been mulling over this post for a few days, too busy or too emotional to sit down and write. Last Thursday I experienced one of those days where all day long I was on the verge of tears. Physically I shouldn't have had an excuse to be extra sensitive, but my mind wasn't convinced. I did so well though, I held it in all day. Then as I lay down for bed and my head hit the pillow, I couldn't hold it any longer and I began to weep. I think weeping is deeper than just crying. It comes from a deep place within where there is complete and utter lack of control and reason. It's one of those things that maybe we only do once a month, or as mom's maybe we are allowed to do a little more often.
I wept, and that's okay because Jesus wept too. I wept because I was at the end of my physical, emotional and spiritual strength. I couldn't battle anymore, I couldn't pray anymore, all I could do is weep. My husband was very supportive and gentle and allowed me to blubber about what it was that was bothering me. He didn't have to ask many questions though because he already knows what it is. We are walking this road together and he knows my deepest fears, my greatest joys and my highest dreams. So we didn't have to talk much, just enough that I could spill my heart out and he could be strong for me.
So I thought after my good session of weeping I would awaken the next morning to joy evermore. Wrong...all weekend I was still on the verge of more tears. I think God has me on the verge for a reason. He has me at that very place where I need Him most. In my own natural strength I can do nothing right now. I'm completely out of control of the biggest circumstances in my life. So I'm on the verge of something Big...I have to be. So I'm choosing to fall...to my knees, on my face, in my tears. I have to place complete and utter trust in the One who told me that He will never leave me or forsake me. To cling to His promise that He is the everlasting God and He will not grow weary. To know that "Splendor and Majesty are before Him, strength and joy in His dwelling place." 1 Chronicles 16:27. On Christ the solid rock I stand, even when I'm on the verge.
I wept, and that's okay because Jesus wept too. I wept because I was at the end of my physical, emotional and spiritual strength. I couldn't battle anymore, I couldn't pray anymore, all I could do is weep. My husband was very supportive and gentle and allowed me to blubber about what it was that was bothering me. He didn't have to ask many questions though because he already knows what it is. We are walking this road together and he knows my deepest fears, my greatest joys and my highest dreams. So we didn't have to talk much, just enough that I could spill my heart out and he could be strong for me.
So I thought after my good session of weeping I would awaken the next morning to joy evermore. Wrong...all weekend I was still on the verge of more tears. I think God has me on the verge for a reason. He has me at that very place where I need Him most. In my own natural strength I can do nothing right now. I'm completely out of control of the biggest circumstances in my life. So I'm on the verge of something Big...I have to be. So I'm choosing to fall...to my knees, on my face, in my tears. I have to place complete and utter trust in the One who told me that He will never leave me or forsake me. To cling to His promise that He is the everlasting God and He will not grow weary. To know that "Splendor and Majesty are before Him, strength and joy in His dwelling place." 1 Chronicles 16:27. On Christ the solid rock I stand, even when I'm on the verge.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
In my weakness....
I don't think I ever feel weaker than when I am on the brink of the unknown. To some, starting a blog is probably no big deal. It shouldn't be to me, I wrote a family blog for years. Much to the sadness of many family members I have failed in keeping it updated and active. Life happened, and it happened so fast I forgot to write it down.
So here I sit, oh many months since my last post on my "other" blog, really not sure if I should take this leap. I'm one of those people that watches what I say, thanks to experiences where I have not and truly regretted the outcome. So, I watch what I say so closely that usually I end up saying nothing at all! Which probably makes most people happy, except I feel left with a full mind and nowhere to really let it all out. It's not like I have anything grand to add to conversations, unless of course that conversation is about infant colic! I believe I just have the mind of a writer. It seems to run in my family, so there's a good chance I do. Having the mind of a writer merely means that I was designed by God to write. Possibly not always speak with spoken word, but to speak with written word. If I make any kind of impact on any other person, hopefully positive, then I've used something the Lord gave me, for His glory. That's all I want to do, use the talents He has given me for the purpose He has planned. So whether I know you, or by some chance you stumble across this blog, I hope that in some small way you will find a morsel of encouragement.
I am so weak at this point in my life. The Lord has allowed circumstances in my life that are beyond my control to fix, adjust, mend, repair, solve....things just are the way they are. I have resolved to Him that I am too weak to carry any of it. Oh, I daily try to take back just a little of it and try to speed up the process of resolution, but His timeline seems to be much different than mine. I have to constantly remember that I am not the author here, He is.
Lately the Lord has really been laying on my heart this idea of weakness, strength and grace. How are they connected, how do they apply to my life? What evidence is there of each in my life? 2 Corinthians 12:10 says "Therefore I am well content with weakness...for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." Avoiding situations where I feel weak does not allow the Lord to show me His strength. He has brought me to a very weak point in my life and all I can do is throw myself into His arms and ask for His strength. When I do that...I'm stronger than I could ever be on my own. Living in His strength allows for living under His grace. It's amazing to me how a word that is so powerful like strength can be so connected to a word that strikes such gentleness, grace. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."
I don't have it all figured out yet, probably never will. It's still all just circling around in my brain as I try and grasp this concept. All I know is that I am weak, but somehow, each day, when I declare my weakness to the Lord, He returns it with strength and grace. I desire to offer up my ounce of grace each day and allow Him to fill my cup to overflowing with His all-sufficient grace and for His strength to be made known in my weakness.
So here I sit, oh many months since my last post on my "other" blog, really not sure if I should take this leap. I'm one of those people that watches what I say, thanks to experiences where I have not and truly regretted the outcome. So, I watch what I say so closely that usually I end up saying nothing at all! Which probably makes most people happy, except I feel left with a full mind and nowhere to really let it all out. It's not like I have anything grand to add to conversations, unless of course that conversation is about infant colic! I believe I just have the mind of a writer. It seems to run in my family, so there's a good chance I do. Having the mind of a writer merely means that I was designed by God to write. Possibly not always speak with spoken word, but to speak with written word. If I make any kind of impact on any other person, hopefully positive, then I've used something the Lord gave me, for His glory. That's all I want to do, use the talents He has given me for the purpose He has planned. So whether I know you, or by some chance you stumble across this blog, I hope that in some small way you will find a morsel of encouragement.
I am so weak at this point in my life. The Lord has allowed circumstances in my life that are beyond my control to fix, adjust, mend, repair, solve....things just are the way they are. I have resolved to Him that I am too weak to carry any of it. Oh, I daily try to take back just a little of it and try to speed up the process of resolution, but His timeline seems to be much different than mine. I have to constantly remember that I am not the author here, He is.
Lately the Lord has really been laying on my heart this idea of weakness, strength and grace. How are they connected, how do they apply to my life? What evidence is there of each in my life? 2 Corinthians 12:10 says "Therefore I am well content with weakness...for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." Avoiding situations where I feel weak does not allow the Lord to show me His strength. He has brought me to a very weak point in my life and all I can do is throw myself into His arms and ask for His strength. When I do that...I'm stronger than I could ever be on my own. Living in His strength allows for living under His grace. It's amazing to me how a word that is so powerful like strength can be so connected to a word that strikes such gentleness, grace. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."
I don't have it all figured out yet, probably never will. It's still all just circling around in my brain as I try and grasp this concept. All I know is that I am weak, but somehow, each day, when I declare my weakness to the Lord, He returns it with strength and grace. I desire to offer up my ounce of grace each day and allow Him to fill my cup to overflowing with His all-sufficient grace and for His strength to be made known in my weakness.
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